Penitent

~ feeling or showing regret that one has done wrong ~

I never meant to hurt her. She might have thought it, but i never meant for it to happen. And i always thought i could say goodbye.

My wildcat was just like a block of wood. Not meaning dense or stupid. But her personaility, her way.

The bark - the hardest outer part. She could fight off an attack by throwing herself against it. There might be small cracks in it, but they were well defended. It was hard and soild.

But if you get through those cracks - wear them down like a water trickle, slowly and gradually, then there was the next layer.

A waxy skin. Harder to seem but thinner.

She easily pushed people away when she realized they had broken through. It was her second defence, repeling kind apraising comments, small brushes into her personal space - a second meaning in words.

And the last part.

The soft middle. The most fragile. The part hardly uncovred and let to breath. A rare moment she would admit her feelings or just stand in the rays of the sun; arms held wide, the soft smile gracing her face.

This part couldn't be smothered. If too many blocks of wood were put upon this, too much attention paied, it would be snuffed out.

At the same time if left alone and open to the wind, it would be consumed by the flames of the fire, snatched away in a few moments.

What i had done to her, was like taking an axe repeatedly to the soft inner most centre. By not working hard enough to peel back the first and second layer.

Rosa had just been there. I simply wanted someone who wasn't so hard to work through, to understand, to love. To go to her after a day with Heather, i would then feel like i had gotten somewhere, that my struggle had been worth something.

Now...Now i had lost her. Lost my wildcat. And she was still in my head, all the time.

Even though her funeral was this afternoon.